I broke up with Matt tonight.
I don't love him. I don't think I will. Maybe it's me or maybe it's him.
I'm in no condition to date right now. I just don't feel right. I don't know why but I haven't really cried in months. Sobbed, I mean. And I want to. I want to feel like I have emotions. I've tried watching sad movies. I didn't even shed a tear tonight when I broke up with him. There's something wrong with me. I'd blame it on the anti-depressants but I was on them for years before this. I don't understand.
And perhaps it's him. There's a host of reasons why I like him. He's a genuinely good guy. He cares for me greatly. But he hasn't grown up. His life is the bar. He smokes. He drinks every night. He says he wants to do and be all of these great things but he's not moving towards them.
More than that, though, there are things that just don't feel right to me. Everything is a competition to him. He can be so childish. When he feels slighted, he lashes out. He can get defensive and mean.
He is not very responsible. He takes the easy way out. He does what he can to just get by. This is the crux of it. The only way he'll really make movement is if he's forced to do it. If things are okay now, there's no reason to work hard to make them better. But I'm not going to force him. I do not want that role. I'm not going to force him to quit smoking. I'm not going to force him to stay home from the bar and save his money. I'm not going to force him to look into schools. I'm not going to force him to see the doctors or get on the right track for his health.
There are these small things that are so at odds to my way of thinking. Take his health, for example. He bitches about his stomach. He bitches about his psoriasis. He bitches about every single malady that crosses him. But does he do anything about it? No. Not unless I nag him. That bothers me to no end! Do something to help yourself! But it's just so much easier to complain and gain sympathy. No, I won't play into it.
He has a rash. It's a contagious form of the pox virus called molluscum. He's has it for two months all over his abdomen and pubic area. He looked into it and assumed it was folliculitis. He finally saw the dermatologist and learned what it was. It's highly contagious. He's getting treated for it but it's best to remain abstinent until it is completely gone. I told him we weren't having sex until it cleared up. He wished he hadn't told me about it. It makes him feel like a leper. He wishes he hadn't even found out what it really was. How's that for irresponsible and immature? He'd rather be ignorant about it, continue having sex, and risk spreading it to me than the alternative.
And there is something else that has been bothering me for a while now. I have MS. A few months ago I raised money for it. I raised $1000. My best friend donated. My best friend's boyfriend donated. Matt's twin brother donated. But Matt didn't. He told me he didn't have the money for it. Now I could be okay with this if he were responsible with his money. But he's not. He goes out drinking every night. He tips his bartender $20 almost every time. But he can't spare $50 one time to put towards research for the incurable disease his girlfriend has?! Really?! I can't get over that. It's the single most irritating thing he's done.
He is constantly bemoaning his financial situation but that doesn't stop him from going to his bar. He is constantly bemoaning his health issues but that doesn't stop him from going to his bar. I can't stand it. I won't nag him. I won't threaten or lecture. Like I said, I won't take on that role. But I also will not be with someone who makes these kinds of choices. I can't stand complainers who do nothing to help themselves out. I will not be someone's savior.
Irresponsible and immature. He makes excuses. So many excuses so he can take the easy road.
I had to go. I wasn't going to fall in love with him. He has many redeeming characteristics but these things just run against what is important to me. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. I'm 27; I have to be an adult now. There's no safety net. I want someone who will be an adult with me.